For our January 2023 book review, I accepted a recommendation from a friend that suits our Quiet theme. I read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain.
Cain is an American writer, lecturer, former lawyer, and negotiations consultant. She has degrees from Princeton University and Harvard Law School.
She describes herself as an introvert.
She also acknowledges how stressful it can be to function and succeed in a world that praises extroverts and continually tries to “fix” those of us who aren’t. She spent seven years researching and writing this book often drawing from her own experiences in the business world.
One thing that always stood out to Cain was the success of people who were often underestimated in negotiations because of their quiet demeanor. These people were never loud or flamboyant. They listened carefully and spoke only when they had something important to contribute. It was also her approach to negotiations, and it worked far better than the bullying tactics praised by corporate America.
Winning for the sake of winning often comes at real costs. Is it really winning if you overpay for what you want just to keep someone else from getting it? After careful analysis, she discovered extroverts were more focused on winning for the sake of winning than their more introverted counterparts.
While extroverts are most often “idea people” introverts are problem solvers. The combination of the two can be incredibly successful because the world needs ideas, and it needs people who can put those ideas into practice.
Cain is quick to point out that most people possess qualities of both extroversion and introversion. According to the psychiatrist/psychoanalyst, Carl Jung if you were 100% of either, you would go mad. The key to a successful and happy life is learning to balance these personality traits with the needs of your environment.
How do you achieve balance in a world that’s geared toward the extrovert? Education is probably the trickiest roadblock. Cain devotes a significant section of this book to education and the needs of decidedly introverted or extroverted children. It’s hard to balance socialization, cooperation, individuality, and learning in groups of 15 – 30+ in many classroom settings. Many schools favor group learning. Classrooms are often set up with desks in learning clusters instead of rows of desks facing the front of the room. Teachers have the daunting task of trying to teach students with differing ability levels. learning styles, and temperaments. They must reign in the boisterous students and bring out the quiet/shy students. Are the same students always raising their hands and answering all the questions? How do you give everyone the opportunity to participate even if they don’t seem to want it? Some children don’t raise their hands because they don’t know the answer while others know the answer and are content with knowing they know and will show their knowledge on tests. Knowing the difference can prevent some students from falling behind and failing in school.
As a parent, you can’t send your child to school and expect their teacher to “fix” them. You can’t give them a set of rules about how to behave in social situations and expect them to know the subtle nuances of making friends and fitting in group situations. Hopefully, we teach them to be kind and respectful of others. We teach them to listen and be quiet when others are speaking, and we teach them to share their toys. How do we teach them to share their ideas? How do we teach them that mistakes are a part of learning?
Cain shares several strategies for helping children and adults overcome social obstacles.
As someone labeled shy from an early age, I used to run hot and cold. Sometimes I listened to learn, but in many instances I listened to reply, so people would stop calling me shy and backward. Sometimes I monopolized conversations reluctant to be the quiet one. I was and still am terrified of making mistakes. Looking back, I sometimes took the easiest path because I knew I would be successful. Fear is a powerful motivator and as debilitating as any neurotoxin. How you are taught to handle fear can shape your life. Will you be a risk taker, sit safely on the sidelines, or find a balance? Can you “teach an old dog new tricks?” How strong is “nurture vs. nature?”
One of the best takeaways from Cain’s book is the need to find balance and help the people around us find their balance. There are people who subscribe to the philosophy of doing one thing a day/week/month that terrifies them in order to get out of their comfort zone. Quiet for the extrovert can be just as terrifying as public speaking is for many introverts, but equally as important.
In many respects, this book reads like one of my textbooks in psychology class. There are facts and assertions accompanied by footnotes, but don’t be deterred. There are solutions to be found and Cain has injected a dose of humor in her writing we can all appreciate. I don’t remember laughing out loud while reading my Pscholgy101 textbook, but I did laugh sharing this journey to better understanding my desire for quiet in a world that never stops talking.
Additional Works by Susan Cain:
Quiet Power: The Secret Strengths of Introverts (2016)
Quiet Journal: Discover Your Secret Strengths and Unleash our Secret Power (2020)
Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole (2022)
Photo images are taken from the Author’s website with no intention of copyright infringement, https://susancain.net/books/
Photo Credit for Image of Susan Cain:
