For this month’s Q&A we are tackling a controversial subject, sexual abuse. A family member sexually abused Author Linda Lee Blakemore when she was a child. For many years, she repressed the memories of her abuse. She grew up, started a career, married, and had children. On the surface, everything seemed fine, but Linda never felt good enough. She obsessed with trying to be perfect; she craved acceptance and needed constant validation in her appearance, job performance, and especially in her relationships. These needs became so strong they led her to behave recklessly.

Her actions hurt the people she loved and a relationship with an older, married boss ended in sexual assault. Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to end her self-destructive behavior. She continued to seek validation from another older, successful, married man. After her repressed childhood memories surfaced, Linda took steps toward healing, but identifying and acknowledging the behavioral patterns in her life and making the necessary changes didn’t come easily.

After working through the onset of her repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse, Linda became determined to make a difference. She volunteered at a child advocacy program where she learned about hundreds of youths whose lives had been forever changed by sexual abuse. She realized that children were more likely to listen and learn from their peers than from adults. Although Linda never personally met any of the children at Child Advocacy, their courage and strength inspired Linda to write.

Her first book, Kids Helping: Kids Break the Silence of Sexual Abuse (published in March 2003 under the name Linda Lee Foltz). Written with the help and support of Erika Harkema, Director of Child Advocacy and Dr. Walter Smith, Executive Director of Pittsburgh Family Resources, and endorsed by professionals around the country, Kids Helping Kids Break the Silence of Sexual Abuse tells the true stories of fifteen courageous survivors to educate, intervene when a child is trapped in silence, and offer hope for healing.

Writing that first book was healing for Linda, but all the knowledge and all the growth didn’t help Linda understand, change, or end her toxic relationships. In order to finally move past these unhealthy relationships and behaviors, Linda had to understand what was driving her choices in order to take back her power over her own life. Her second book (published in February 2022)  Entrenched: A Memoir of Holding on and Letting Go, is a brutally honest examination of her life, choosing, living with, and eventually moving beyond toxic relationships. Linda discusses living in denial about her abuse, the damage it caused to her relationships, and finally understanding herself and her past enough to break the cycle of abuse.

Special thanks to Linda Lee Blakemore for agreeing to answer our questions about her experiences and her new book.

1.       When we met, you presented me with some disturbing facts about sexual abuse. Please share them with our readers.

·       One in four girls (one in six boys) is a victim of child sexual abuse

·       A Child Victim is 5 times more likely to be sexually assaulted again as a teen or an adult

·       In the US Alone every year there are over 436,634 female victims of

·       Each year in the US alone there are 463,634 female victims (12 or older) of rape and sexual assault

·       That’s 1 in 5 women

·       Half of those assaults are perpetrated by an acquaintance.

·       1/3 are never reported

·       1 in 3 women experience physical violence by a current or former partner 

·       3 women are murdered by their partners in this country every day— 

2.       Why did you decide to write Entrenched: A Memoir of Holding on and Letting Go?

I started writing Entrenched: A Memoir of Holding On and Letting Go as a journaling exercise because I wanted to understand the demons that possessed my second husband. To my surprise, what I found were the demons inside me.

3.       Were the members of your family supportive of your decision to write a memoir?

I have the most amazing family. They were highly supportive of my journey, my healing, and all of my writing.

4.       You were careful to protect your children’s privacy while writing about your first two marriages. How difficult was it to balance your desire to shield them with your commitment to tell the truth about what was happening in your life?

Although I was especially focused on and very careful to protect my children’s privacy in my writings, showing that what happens to a mother has a direct impact on the lives of her children is an essential part of the message of my story.

5.       You became one of the statistics you shared (A child victim is 5 times more likely to be sexually abused as an adult). Based on your experiences, why does this happen?

Our Past. It’s estimated that nearly 70% of all adults have unresolved trauma from childhood. Trauma not only affects our mental state with depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress, it affects us physically with issues such as migraines, autoimmune, irritable bowel, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, high blood pressure, and so much more. But unresolved trauma goes much deeper. It affects the choices we make, the jobs we choose, the friends we pick, and the life partners to whom we are unconsciously drawn.  

6.       Why did you seek validation from older married men who were emotionally abusive, controlling, and unavailable?  

Our past formulates our self-worth, how we attach to others, and how we believe we deserve to be treated. When our past is cloaked in unresolved trauma it will lure us toward unhealthy partners, people who are similar to those who hurt us as a child. Why? We are drawn to these people TO REMEMBER, TO work through psychological issues, TO get control over something we could not control as a child, or, like me, TO get the outcome we did not get as a child. When Marnie Grundman endorsed my book she said, the effects of trauma rule our lives until we take charge, take a chance, and work through it. Entrenched, will give women the courage to do just that.”  

7.       Sexual abuse by a family member or a trusted family friend is typically interwoven with emotional and psychological abuse to keep victims silent. Do you think the fear of being blamed or not believed helped contribute to your repression of these events?

Fear of being blamed or not believed is a huge issue for those of us who have experienced child sexual abuse, intimate sexual assault, and even those who have endured unhealthy relationships. But there is also the component of manipulation-that is an integral part. I don’t want to give away the ending of my book, but manipulation played a significantly important role for me, as it does for so many victims.

8.       Victims of sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse experience many emotions - fear, anger shame, guilt, denial, self-doubt, and helplessness. How do you move through these feelings without getting stuck? How do you move on?

Even though a survivor has done nothing wrong, abuse often leaves us feeling off-balance and full of self-doubt and self-blame. Moving through the myriad of emotions is not easy and does not happen quickly. That part of the journey requires patience, self-love, the ability to allow oneself to feel the depth of the pain (which at times can be debilitating), and the ability to allow oneself the time necessary to work through the trauma- which is never easy. Professional guidance makes all the difference! I never would have been able to get through it alone. I am grateful for the amazing professionals who guided me throughout my life.

9.       Why do women stay in abusive relationships?

 There are many reasons why women stay and/or return to unhealthy relationships:

a.       Distorted Thoughts. Being controlled and being repeatedly hurt is traumatizing, and often leads to confusion, doubts, and even self-blame.

b.       Damaged Self-Worth. Many women feel worthless and alone and some believe they have done something to deserve it.

c.       Fear. Abusers use threats and fear to control and keep women trapped and attempting to leave an abuser is dangerous.

d.       Love. Many women describe a genuine desire to help or love their partners through it.

e.       Children. Some women believe it’s better for the children if the couple stays together and so they are willing to sacrifice their own safety. But it could also be that a woman stays because she fears what he will do to the children during custodial visitation – which unfortunately abusers-even violent abusers-are often granted.

f.        Expectations and Experiences. Familial, societal, and religious expectations are strong and past familial violence can distort a sense of self and healthy relationships.

g.       Financial Constraints. Often the abuser controls the money in the household, even when she works. But some women are unable to get a job or keep a job because of the abuser’s control or because of the injuries they sustain.

h.       Isolation. Manipulative partners separate their victims from family and friends removing the help and support a victim needs.

i.         But I think the biggest reason is Trauma Bonding. We choose our partners based on unresolved trauma. Until we recognize our trauma and resolve it, we are destined to be drawn toward unhealthy partners. 

If you are not sure what TRAUMA BONDING is:  Think Fireworks and lightning bolts. The initial attraction is fast and furious. It’s as though you’ve known him forever – even though you just met. You’ve never been loved like this before—and never will again.  

At first, he has you on a pedestal, but even after he pulls the rug out from under you with gaslighting, verbal abuse, and maybe even jealous control, you hang on. While you’re busy trying to figure out what you did to ruin the wonderful love encounter that you had hoped would last forever, the trauma bonding has been forged. You’re on a roller coaster ride of wild turns, high highs, and low lows. One minute he showers you with love and attention, the next minute he doesn’t speak to you for weeks. One minute he adorns you with expensive gifts, the next minute he screams that you spend too much money. But no matter what he does you hang on. 

To anyone looking in from the outside, this dysfunctional, unbalanced connection is obvious. But to the woman who finds herself Entrenched deep within it; it is confusing. Not surprising. The ups and downs, on and off, love and punishment dynamic keep you off balance and out of sorts. His unpredictable swings distort your perception, destroy your self-esteem, and subvert any boundaries you may attempt to set. Plus, the irregular fluctuations in your brain chemicals—oxy and dopamine—cloud your judgment and add to your self-doubt and confusion. 

There’s more. If you have (knowingly or unknowingly) been drawn to this man as a result of some unresolved trauma—the way a daughter of an alcoholic might be drawn to a drinker—not only will your unhealthy bond be even stronger, but you might also subconsciously believe that if he doesn’t love you, you are unlovable. You might believe he is the only one who can fulfill your needs. Those feelings could lead you to develop a fear of abandonment you never had before.  

10.   How did you summon the courage to finally stand up for yourself?

For me breaking free came in stages.

1) When I first remembered and understood what had happened to me, I was an adult and no longer afraid of my abuser or his threats; but still remembering was life-changing. I was no longer the person I thought I was. It took all the strength in the world and all the help of professionals like Pittsburgh Action Against Rape, for me to come to grips with what I had remembered. In retrospect, with help, I came to understand that I am who I am because of what I have survived. If I survived that I could survive anything.

2) The day I met those children at Pittsburgh Child Advocacy, I felt another layer of strength and courage together with a determination to make a difference. Writing my first book helped me to grow and learn, and it allowed me to use my experience to make a difference for others.

3) The final leg in my healing journey came shortly after my second husband left me for the fifth time. As I sat alone in the master bedroom one day, I remembered another awful event from my childhood. I don’t want to give away the denouement of my story, but the return of that memory gave my abuse and my life choices a perspective I hadn’t had before.  

I wouldn’t say that I summoned the courage to stand up for myself, rather I came to understand the layers of what had happened to me and why I had been making those bad choices. The clarity and understanding that came from that knowledge were what I needed. I’d like to add that I continue to grow and learn about myself and about the effects my abuse has had on me.  

Healing is not a destination – it is a lifelong journey. 

11.   You are now in a healthy stable relationship and marriage. What did it take to get to this point in your life?

If I had not done the hard work of healing, I would not have been able to choose a healthy partner or find healthy ways to work through our issues.

12.   What do you want readers to take away from your memoir?

I want women to understand the unconscious effects that unresolved trauma has on our lives and the choices we make. I hope my story will help women realize that no matter what someone has done to them, it is NOT their fault. And, most of all, I want women to know that no matter how many difficult choices they may have made as a result of their unresolved trauma, they are not alone. Every woman deserves and can find healing, happiness, and respectful, reciprocal love.

13.   If someone you know has been sexually abused, how can you help them? What is not helpful? It’s not if, it’s who. 1 in 4 girls has been a victim of child sexual abuse, and 1 in 3 women has been a victim of domestic violence. We all know someone. If someone approaches you, please listen, offer support, and believe her. Suggest an action plan and encourage your friend to seek professional help. None of us knows what another person is going through or why. NEVER JUDGE!

14.   Where can our readers find your book(s)? Are you making any personal appearances/book signings our readers should know about?

a.       My books are available through Amazon, Barnes and Nobel, and anywhere books are sold, but a reader can get an “author signed” copy by ordering one through my publisher, Leonella Press.com.

b.       I have completed my first video which I am proud to say has been posted on the Dress For Success website. I am currently working with Domestic Violence Services of SW Pennsylvania, Arise of Lawrence County, and Pittsburgh Women’s Center and Shelter to create more informational videos and podcasts. As they are completed, these and other podcasts, radio shows, and videos will be posted on my website, YouTube, and on these client/partner websites.

c.       Upcoming events:

i.      I will be a panelist at the CCAC Writers Bookcamp at CCAC Allegheny Campus on September 10 from 9-noon.

ii.      At the fifth annual Dress For Success “All For Her” event at Tanger Outlets on October 13th (4-8 pm)

iii.      At the Meet The Author Event at the Shaler North Hills Library on 10/18 at 6:30 pm.

iv.      In addition, I am always happy to appear in person or virtually at book clubs, church groups, or women’s gatherings.

15.   If someone is interested in scheduling you for an event, how can they reach you?

 I can be reached through my website: LindaLeeBlakemore.com.

16.   What’s next for you? Will you be writing in any other genres? Will you continue to write/speak about sexual abuse?

Right now, I am busy working with local agencies to spread the message of hope and healing, but I would never say that I won’t write again. I guess we will find out together….