Most of us are or were fortunate enough to have a mother who cared for us and helped us navigate through our childhood and teenage years making our journey to adulthood one of love and acceptance. I recently lost my mother, and I can’t imagine what my life would have been like without her.
I’m the youngest. Mom stayed at home until I was in fourth grade, then she worked outside the home. When my dad died four years later, she became mom, dad, and sole provider for three children in their semi-rebellious teen years. She wasn’t perfect (we certainly weren’t either), but she never stopped trying.
We were ecstatic when she met a wonderful man and found happiness again. Though we were all grown and out of the house, it was important to her that the man she married would love her children. She also wanted to be a loving stepmother to his daughters. She chose wisely and we gained a loving father figure and two caring sisters.
When she passed away two weeks before her 89th birthday, she had all her affairs in order. Her funeral was planned and paid for, and she left detailed instructions about what she wanted. There were still things my brother had to deal with as the executor of her estate, but she left very little unsettled.
I mention these things because motherhood and fatherhood are lifelong commitments.
I don’t believe a parent has to be a biological parent to be a wonderful mother or father. I know biology makes things easier. Biological moms have nine months to become attached to the little human inside their bodies. They get to feel them move and hear their heartbeat. They see the baby on sonograms, and have their bellies measured to find out how much baby has grown. They have certain legal rights and societal acceptance as biological parents. Their career path as a parent seems pretty well mapped out. It's similar for biological dads without the morning sickness, swollen feet, or weight gain.
There are people who wait on impossibly long adoption lists to become parents. My in-laws became parents this way. My mother-in-law never stopped being a mother to her two sons because no matter how you become a parent, it’s a job for life.
There are people who become parents in an instant. A godparent, grandparent, sibling, aunt, uncle, cousin, family friend, or neighbor steps in because a child has lost their parent(s). Foster parents step in for a time to help when there’s a need. I know adults who still visit their foster parents because even though the state puts children out of foster care at 18, many foster parents remain parental figures for life.
Yes, there are people who give up their parental rights. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be. I sincerely hope they made the sacrifice to give their child the opportunity for a better life.
You’ve probably noticed that I veered from discussing mothers to parents in general. This is intentional because the roles of mother and father are constantly being redefined.
According to a 2019 study from Pew Research Center, the United States has the highest rate of children living in single-parent households. In 2020, there were about 19 million children (25%) living in single-parent families.
Single mothers account for more than 80% of single-parent families. Today, four out of every ten children are born to an unwed mother.
Single fathers account for 16% of single-parent families. In the past ten years the number of single fathers has increased by 60% in the United States, mostly because of divorce. Increasing numbers of men are having children through surrogate mothers and raising them alone. Ninety percent of single fathers are employed and 72% have a full-time job.
Same sex couples are also having children and helping to redefine the roles of mothers and fathers.
Many people have strong opinions on parenthood. My opinion is that all children deserve to be raised in a loving home by a loving parent(s) or parental figure(s). Making an issue of their family dynamic because it differs from what we consider “normal or traditional” puts unwarranted stress on children and the people/person they know as mom or dad.
So, this Mother’s Day, if you didn’t have a loving relationship with your mom, I’m sorry. I hope you had someone to fill the void. Celebrate the person who had the most positive influence on your life. If you felt like you had to raise yourself, then celebrate you.
This will be the first Mother’s Day since my mom’s death. I won’t be picking out a card, sending flowers, or calling her. I will be okay because she will never stop being my mom, and I will never stop being grateful to her for the things she taught me and the love she so freely gave.