According to Thomas Wolfe, “You can’t go home again,” yet millions of Americans return to their childhood homes during the holidays hoping to reunite and bond with family members for a massive sleepover and a delicious meal.

In 2018, 54 million people traveled more than 50 miles away from their homes to celebrate Thanksgiving. Millions more took the short hop over to a friend or relative’s home or hosted people in their homes.

In addition to the joys of spending time with friends and family, holidays can be stressful. Your house; your rules. Not your house; not your rules.

Who will keep the kids occupied until dinner is ready?

Will the men hang out in the family room while the women work in the kitchen or will this be an equal opportunity holiday?

If you are the in-law, will your treasured family recipe be treasured by your new family?

If you are sleeping over or you are hosting and will have overnight guests, who gets the blow up mattress in the basement versus who sleeps in the luxurious guest room?

Who will sit next to Uncle Don and Aunt Phyllis who always get in an argument during dinner?

Who will steer the conversation away from religion or politics?

Who will be first to pull out their smart phone and who will yell at them for using it at the table?

If you are hosting, what do you do about guests who bring uninvited guest with them?

Who clears the table and who cleans up?

Some families are blessed and these issues never come up. Other families suffer multiple disasters, fights and ruined meals.

My Thanksgiving has evolved over the years. Traditions are important, but with changing family dynamics, I’ve learned to value flexibility over perfection. Making all your guests feel welcome and special will win the day.

Growing up, my family kept it simple hosting my grandmother and occasionally my Uncle Joe and his family or a family friend who couldn’t take enough time off work to go home for Thanksgiving. We kept the same menu each year.

My dad and brother would go out to do some “guy stuff” in the morning. My sister and I peeled potatoes, chopped, sliced and washed pots and pans as needed for my mom. She’d be up at 5am and I never actually saw her sit down until dinner was served.

After I got married, my mother-in-law claimed Thanksgiving as her holiday. No matter where we were in the United States we were expected to be at her home. Since our anniversary was around Thanksgiving, this meant countless anniversaries spent in airports and on airplanes with little or no time or privacy to celebrate. It also meant dietary shock for me – chestnut stuffing, turkey dripping in butter, and a cranberry relish instead of cranberry sauce. I was in someone else’s kitchen (eventually with a sister-in-law who was also adjusting to time away from her family) peeling potatoes, chopping, slicing and washing pots and pans as needed. Don’t get me wrong, my mother-in-law knew her way around a kitchen and she was an excellent cook, but it was just different enough to make me miss home.

After our third child was born, our older sons started playing hockey and their teams entered holiday tournaments, so I took over hosting duties.

My family recipes weren’t a big hit with my mother-in-law, so she would drive to where ever we were living with a massive cooler filled with her ingredients for Thanksgiving. I was in my kitchen peeling potatoes, chopping, slicing and washing pots and pans as needed, but I wasn’t really hosting.

It was stressful, but we shared some lovely moments.

After she passed away, I incorporated her chestnuts into the stuffing until my sons confessed they weren’t really chestnut fans.

After my divorce, Thanksgiving became less formal and my sons were more involved in the cooking process.

Now, my oldest son is married. My daughter-in-law is from a wonderful large family and Thanksgiving has changed for us once again.

Proper planning will help insure your guests have what they need – have extra toilet paper on hand, a stain stick, ample beverages (offer water to go with the beer, wine and cocktails) and enough food to go around. Turn up the music; dance and remember to be thankful for the people who share your life.

Over the years, I’ve had to let go of the notion of a perfect Thanksgiving. I’ve never had one, but I’ve learned to appreciate the perfect sense of happiness that comes from being with the people you love even if you don’t like them sometimes.